all Gyan BIG & small

Mr.Monk finally comes to an end after 8 seasons. This is one of the nice memories I carried from the US. Watched couple of episodes, and got hooked on to it so much – I got the first 6 season DVDs shipped to me from HongKong. (Yes, not sold in India, not beamed and all that crap) And finally, I found a way to watch (online) and keep up with the last 2 seasons of Monk. I feel sad many times, that this (among some of my favorite shows) doesn’t get beamed in India and can’t access it legally online – so, some IP masking and shit like that – today, with a lag of 8 days (another internet rule / restriction), I watch the final episode. Now that the final episode is done, I feel a little like Monk himself – everything solved and nothing more to work (err watch :-) ) It truly was a brilliant series and gave me many refreshing and happy moments. Kudos to all entire crew and cast of Monk.

…And I write after a really looooooooooooooooooong time. So much happened over the last 8 months Tasted recession first hand Mourned along with a few friends in their loss of loved ones Few cousins / friends got married Some good friends became very sick My niece and nephew are growing (fast if I may add) Gained a ‘LOT’ of weight – (yes – I should lose tons) Mind thinks about “Wonder land” And now, I look ahead and wonder – really wonder, with that sense of wonder, which we seem to loose with every growing day – wonder about a lot of things, and some nice new yearnings, a few sweet nothings about my ‘old ‘ self – all the past years – the gone by days of endless dreams and energy - and I smile seeing “experience” replacing intellectual argument, and solitude replacing ‘spur of the moment’ actions and so on. Yet – there is that old cerebellum that refuses to sleep, or be satisfied, and it thinks, dreams, questions, asks, fingers and still emits those shimmering sparks, that make me again...

It’s at moments like these that your ire notches up a few more degrees than you thought was your worst, and being precluded in a world that you don’t want anyone to interfere with and most of all have ‘pep talk’ when they have no freaking clue about what ‘reality’ is, you get tested with your patience on some ‘I care about you’ talk. Please – if you cared enough, or even knew me enough, you would stay right in your own place, for you never really knew me or for that matter anyone else than yourself, for you so freaking live a life that revolves around your own damn self – megalomania ! And do I sound like a jerk? Well, did I ever say I was not ?

Why does one always look at the past, and even the one with the most pitiful existence, have some wonderful moments to remember back, while at the same time, everything about tomorrow, is looked with spite, loaded with fears and speculation. The answer my friend is – when we look at the past, we always see beyond ourselves, and our situations (present and past), while when we look at the future, we somehow can’t look an inch beyond ourselves! Whoa!

It all starts early, when everyone around him is fascinated by his apparent breadth of understanding, while in reality it’s amplitude that really sets him apart – in short, he sets off on a path of deeper probing, while the world assumes a broader spreading. The initial conflicts appear as rather curious quirks, and are put up with as rather fascinating, and yeah, he will eventually grow up and understand – except that, his long lone way of a single journey, not encompassing a broad horizon starts – In short, a loner in the making, with a flamboyant outlook. And, then along the way, in his growing years, he meets and finds some cloned cousins who can give endless intellectual orgasm, and they become friends for a while. And the clock ticks, where the loner, for some time, with his friends started expanding his circle, suddenly realized that he misses, what he most cherishes – amplitude, and off, he sets on a path, of deeper understanding again. And , the clock ticks, till he finds no o...

At the end of a long frustrating and depressing week, just two words that brought a smile - "Miss You" - It was nice :-) -

As I savor the last few moments of being in the 20’s – quite a Lot of thoughts race through my mind. I rewind to the winter of 1999 – yes – exactly about a decade ago – when I was celebrating my last birthday as a Graduate student; and somehow – I could just see my life laid out for the next 10 years – ala till today. I made a list of things I wanted to do- the kind of jobs, the education, the money, the adventures, the splurges, the travel, the arts, the science, gyan et all – and when I look back – I see a lot of God’s Grace – for the simple fact – I got almost everything on that list (that landed right into my lap, needless to say –mostly undeserved – cos I know a hell lotsa smarter fellows around me who deserved much better) . So there you go- the decade of my 20’s is in the high 90’s in terms of what I wanted Vs what I got. What always perplexed me is - when I looked ahead as a 20 yr old – I could see my life for the next 10 yrs, and could see nothing beyond 30, and with some extr...

You've been living in a dream world, Neo. This is the world as it exists today.... Welcome to the Desert of the Real. ~ The Matrix And quite coincidentally, most of us live a life that is marred (err defined) by unfulfilled dreams. As humans, all of us dream, and dream we always of something thing much different than the state we have. It’s quite intriguing that even in our wild fantasies, we define our dreams with an important element in it – Pain – Even in this new state of affairs, we very consciously count the cost of what we will not have in the new state – and that’s what surprises me. Even in a state of fantasy and wild day dreaming, we always count the cost! I recall from another blog post that, we as humans are seasoned, equipped to deal and define our existence to start with and thereby the quality of life by the pain we are subjected to, the pain we can deal with, and the pain we can at will; can cause on another human being Imagine the ‘now’, for someone living in hect...

…and I am ready for the 2nd innings – I do not know how many innings are out there to play, maybe a couple more, a few more seasons, a lil more refining, a lot many dreams, make a few more stars twinkle, many more sunsets to be chased, a lot more to be learnt, much to be tempered, seasoned, pickled and then wake up early on a dreamless night and wonder, if another innings is round the corner. I breathe hope, eat optimism, ride on passion and flirt with ‘Grace’. That is what I am – simple and candid. ..and here I am, standing, looking ahead, taking a peek back, and no regrets, but think something(s) could have be done differently, but no regrets, cos I got more than what I asked for, and a lot more than what I dreamt of, and more importantly – I am here writing this, and at the start of a 2nd innings. A toast to all who have been at this moment before me, and a wish to all who are yet in their 1st innings – you will be here eventually! I wish and dream a brilliant 2nd innings, but real...

..and yet again I laugh at the vilest and ancient of paradoxes, that leers even today ..for every time we get caught in an intellectual problem, we seek an answer from the heart and do what the heart says; ..and every time we get stuck in problem that originates out of the heart, we rationalize with the mind ..and in this, life is choked, the heart weeps and the mind drains, and yet again ever so often, we see the same paradox over and over again, right from the time it started in the Garden of Eden, when man thought with the mind for an obedience God demanded of the heart; ..and for the empathy we expect, and a shoulder to crib, when all we really needed was an intellectual solution …and for the rational solutions we provide for the cries of the heart ..and when we really understand that; dropping these masks we wear, and reaching out to the heart with a heart, and to a mind with a mind, don’t we get moments of eternity right here on Earth? and ain’t not all the fondest of memories we...

All of us, for a better part of our lives are in “search of excellence”, and at some point in time, we might take a pause, be content with what we have , or just become too complacent with the world around us –but even in that state of complacency we still look for a better state – Too bad, this running never stops – the quest for ‘higher ‘never ends. And I guess the reason is this – the World we live in is defined by order – now before you can jump off saying it can be defined by chaos also, based on being of an alternate world view- Click here Let me use a negative sounding word for this apparent search for excellence – “altered reality” – we all tend to live in an altered reality – Taking a rather mathematical approach to this altered reality - How we choose the variables of altered reality define the way we progress in this helping us estimate how big this constant of alteration is (in simple words – how heavy or light) – reality my friend is rather easy – its staring right into ou...

Those closest to me, must have heard this many a times – my passion is Physics, and my career is Management – I was watching this program called – “Elegant Universe” - It left me wondering for a moment (well the whole evening), if I should have pursued Physics, got into research etc etc –but by the time I write this blog (a day later) – I am happy to sit and watch these programs and marvel at how Theoretical Physics has progressed and blah blah… I guess I need a break :)

Scenario 1 - The world is based on ‘Order’. ‘Order’ assumes perfection and perfection assumes a relentless quest for improvement – We mess this ‘Order’ – things mess up – We start working our way out of the mess –meaning – start progressing towards ‘Order’. Scenario 2- The world is defined as a ‘Chaos’ – and we are not grounded by any rules – after all, ‘Chaos’ cannot have any rules – but then a desire to have a something a little better kicks in – and we bring in some ‘Order’ to a small, chaotic part – meaning me are ruining the ‘Chaos’ by brining any ‘Order’ – or in ‘Order’ to maintain a perfect chaotic world, we need to ensure that the ‘Chaos’ remains – and anything that ensures that something remains in its state is ‘Order’ – meaning – ‘Chaos’ is a self destructing proposition. (That’s why I don’t believe in fate as it assumes ‘Chaos’ as a basis – while ‘Order’ assumes God –will deal about this in another blog) This blog post is dedicate to Supriya , who I think holds the fastest c...

The title overflows of adrenalin, excitement, energy and looks like the best lane to be – after all, the fastest lane has the best of everything – the smoothest road, the fastest cars, the biggest brands and whiff of envious air that gets past the vipers as you zoom by …. …and we all endeavor for it, and run the mile as much as possible, and as close as possible to the fast lane. However, the irony is that – does the fastest lane have all of that we really think and aspire to have? – We run so fast trying to save time, and get an extra ounce of everything possible with the myth that we will have all the time at the end of the road, to enjoy the fruits of time gained by being in the fast lane . I think what we really do in the fast lane is build safety nets - We are on an overdrive of infinite planning. Let’s take the Naturalist view – Evolution! – Evolution defies a safety net – if there is a safety net of peaceful existence, Evolution fails, and all of us would have ended at the prim...

Ever so many times, does the feeling of “an infinite longing to a brilliant life bounded by finite capacity” is what knocks us down, more so with an increasing tempo and a greater urge to have more, with every passing day; as we chase the ticking clock of the heart, the mind and the body thereof. That longing for certainty (in the heart), sense of control (in the mind) and endurance (of the body) pushes us into a mindset of where we seem to believe (or rather strived / strive infinitely) that we know almost everything about everything. Can we really be certain about anything at all? There seem to be so many answers for everything that could possibly be questioned about, except that – (most often) We do not know , what is the question that is really bothering us – and there we plunge into the depths of philosophy(to the heart) , causality(to the mind) and pain (to the body) to place ourselves into of the following paradigms – Why am I here (heart) What am I doing (mind) How long (body)...

After a long long time, a really long time – I feel alone - The word is alone, and not exactly lonely! It maybe the set of events over the last 2 weeks, where I was the only soul in a 600 seater movie hall, or finally getting bugged of living and working out of a hotel / home for the last 8 months, and not made any new friends, and in general everyone including me have got a lil more busy with life. It maybe that my intolerance to nonsense and general lack of intelligence in everything that kept a lot of people at bay It may be that I just need someone for more than a friend It may be that you want to share a hundred new ideas, but don’t find one to intellectually debate, but in a role where I am only mentoring a few promising souls It may be I got lazy in life to do something refreshing It may be that I am bereft of sleep for the last 2 nights and … Still – alone :)

After ‘ Glade ’, it’s the gentle breeze that really refreshes - I start quoting this: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and famous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in all of us. And when we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” ~ Maryanne Williamson Ever wondered how simply we brush the idea of a fairy with tiny little wings, and yet in our deepest of hearts wished we had one lil fair...

Alas for that moment when man ate of the fruit of knowledge, that he was condemned with the consequences of a powerful brain, a mortal body and a frail will. ….and so did the eternal quest for the quenching of an insatiable cerebellum continues, only to be subdued by occasional spurts of clouded happiness; most of which is a result of blinded reality to reality – the only reality being – you are a sojourner and there is really no rest to the head, and consequently to the body, emotions and everything thereof. …and walking the beaten path or treading along unchartered territory, you will still hold points of references, for what? – Lest we have to retract, or milestones that subdue reality of a time being, to recharge for continuing winding journey ahead. …and there comes along an Oasis, (that) we look with joy, and almost always later leave into the desert with spite – Is it really spite? – At best they a seen as a spring in the desert (literally) while the journey is really out in the...

A post after a long time – for those who know me well, they must be wondering how come the cranking sound of thoughts sounded so silent for so long a time, and ah from John – is everything alright? As I look back over the hiatus, something I really learnt to appreciate (or rather embrace) – silence. Silence, something that needs no words sometimes and avoids words sometimes, and both have their place and time. In this period of silence, I have seen “adults” write me off, as being naïve, “happening” guys give gyan about life, “morally upright” sign me off as evil, professional equations change based on perceptions, personal equations change based on impressions of “accomplishment possible”, and a few ( for whom I remained the same ) for whom nothing else mattered, even silence. Ecoute le silence – a French phrase I use occasionally, and it just about sounds so good – The literal translation of the same – “Hear the silence”. In what seems to be a tumultuous rage of changes, memory echoe...